You can view this episode on YouTube here.
In the previous episode, I spoke about how I realised I want to leave my life behind and go travel full-time again. With this decision comes a lot of insecurity. Many fears surfaced, acting as roadblocks to making it happen, and they were all related to security.
The truth is, it’s really hard being autistic in Australia. I’ll delve into this more in another episode, but it’s relevant here. I just want to acknowledge that I’ve lived in a third-world country before, so I understand my privilege, but there is a lot wrong with the disability sector in Australia.
Without going into too much detail, my financial situation is problematic. I have autism, which people often don’t realise when they meet me, but there is a lot of struggle behind the scenes and chronic illness I’ve spent years recovering from. Because of this, I can’t work a 9-5. I can work if it’s on my own time and from home, but unfortunately, our work culture is not very flexible. As a result, I can’t really find work. I have two degrees—one in science and one in journalism—but I can’t use them because I can’t find a job that allows flexibility. So I’m stuck.
The annoying thing is that I know I am capable. I know I’m smart, disciplined, hard-working, and creative. But I’m reminded of the quote, “Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” This is exactly how I feel. Australia has such a one-dimensional, outdated, and un-inclusive concept of the workforce that it measures me as disabled and stupid against it.
One of my boundaries is that I can’t be around people who want to project onto me a version of myself that’s more negative than who I am, because it messes with my self-worth and eventually, you start to believe it. That’s what I feel Australia is doing to me. I know so many autistic people who are extremely smart, talented, and creative, but they have this image reflected back to them that they’re stupid, useless, and a burden to society. It breaks my heart. It’s actually stupid of Australia because being autistic comes with so many strengths. For example, it’s associated with hyperfocus, attention to detail, analytical thinking, and a different perspective. High-functioning autism is also often associated with a very high IQ. So I feel like the autistic population is severely under-utilised because society works against us instead of with us.
The problem is that Australia keeps you trapped at the bottom of society and then shames you for being there. On top of this, I have a HECS debt of $62k. This financial year, it went up $3.5k overnight. When I was in high school, student loans were marketed to us as being interest-free, but now we’re getting indexed at rates that many people can’t even pay off because they don’t earn enough. The government made more money last year from indexing student HECTS debts than it did from taxing the fossil fuel industry [1]. Now, because I can’t work a 9-5, I’m not earning enough to pay off my HECTS debt. But every year, it keeps going up. There’s nothing I can do, so my plan is to literally let it die with me. What else am I to do? The education system is completely inconsiderate of disabled people who can’t pay it off. This year, I thought I could go back to uni and study psychology because that’s a job I can do from home on my own hours. I thought that would help me get out of my situation. But one unit at university is now $4k. When I was at Monash in 2018, it was $1.2k. So for me to do two years of study to become a psychologist would add at least another $100k to my student debt. And I would never be able to pay it off. Education is no longer accessible for everyone.
This means I’m trapped in my situation. The other problem is that when you start making some money, it comes straight out of your Centrelink. I understand the point of working and having your own independence, but the point is that even if you do work harder, you just can’t get out of your situation. It’s like running on a treadmill—you stay in the same place. You’re stuck. This is amplified by the fact that I’m currently waiting to get on the Disability Support Pension, or DSP. I applied for this in December 2023. I was told it would take three months to hear back. Six months later, I was rejected. To qualify for DSP, your disability needs to score 20 points. Apparently, autism is only worth 10 points. They also completely disregarded some of my other chronic health conditions, so I put in an appeal with the help of my friend Rachael Thompson, a disability advocate and human rights lawyer who worked in the NDIS field helping people lodge appeals. I am still waiting to hear back. It is now October, which means the process has taken me 10 months and is still not finished. On top of this, if you have applied for DSP, you’re not allowed to work more than 15 hours a week, or you’re disqualified. This is crazy because once you’re approved, you’re allowed to work 30 hours a week. This keeps you stuck! And this is with an autism diagnosis on paper. I know so many people who are too sick to work but not “sick enough” to be considered disabled, so they are stuck. The system keeps you debilitated.
On top of all this, the constant casual disrespect and invalidation of your problems wear you down. It just adds to this belief that you’re worthless and a burden because we “look like shit on paper.” It really, really contributes to my depression. Autistic people are 9x more likely to commit suicide in Australia [5] [6]. And this is part of the reason why. I know I’m speaking to so many people right now. I’m not even going to get into the process with the NDIS, another system that is completely broken. My friend Rachael Thompson published a journal article about how the NDIS violates human rights. I hope to have her on the podcast eventually, along with Jordan Steele-John. But the system is broken. When I was going through this process, I literally said to my dad, who was on some of the phone calls with me, “I honestly believe the government is trying to get me to kill myself because they consider me a burden to the system.” And he hates when I make jokes or comments about suicide, but he agreed. He said, “Yep.”
Now, I do have help from my family, and thank God because without that, I would be on the streets, and it makes me really scared for the people who don’t have that privilege. The cost of living is fucked. Gas is expensive, food is ridiculous—you know. Every 2-3 months or so, I go through a pretty bad bout of depression where I feel so scared and hopeless about my situation and my future, even with all my privilege. Then I have to work up the courage to try again. But deep down, I know it’s hopeless, and it gets harder and harder to get up.
But this month, I finally realised something. I realised that for the same money it costs me to just get by in Australia, I could be living like a queen overseas. I could be living independently, off my own money, because that part-time work would be enough for me to get by. When I was living in Bali like a local, I was living on $15 a day. So if worse comes to worse, I could be living comfortably in Bali for $200 a week. I’ve actually set my goals higher—my goal is to find some part-time remote work, which often offers more flexibility, so I can travel through Europe and America.
I think what I’ve realised is the way I’ve thought about finances my whole life is a model that just doesn’t fit anymore. The model passed on from the older generation is to save your money, buy a house, then buy a second house. I just don’t think this works anymore. This model is basically to stockpile money, and I don’t blame them for that because they have the echoes of the war and the Great Depression in their ears from the generation above them. And it worked for them. But I don’t think the model of buying multiple properties is a smart investment strategy anymore because it’s not possible for everybody to achieve it. Now look, I don’t know much about commerce. I’m sure there are many blinders and holes in my logic. But from my point of view, it just seems so obvious that this isn’t working anymore. There aren’t enough houses for everyone to be able to do this. We need an economic perspective that gives everyone the opportunity to thrive, or else the wealth disparity will just keep growing.
I’m not telling the older generation to sell their second or third houses—I’m really not judging, and I’m definitely not against capitalism. There is a lot of pressure on them now to provide for their adult children. But we’re the first generation in Australian history that is worse off than our parents [2] [3] [4]. No, the boomers are not the enemy. I think the problem is the mindset we all have around money. I think it’s a fear-based, scarcity mindset that causes people to stockpile money, resulting in greed. And that’s a spiritual problem more than a financial one.
What I’m realising right now is that the belief I have in my head about money is what’s causing a lot of my depression. Buying a house feels so far away, I have this huge HECTS debt that’s just going up, and the only solution I can think of is to figure out an unconventional way to make money.
So I started my own business, but it failed. I got into Bitcoin, but it’s complicated. I realised recently that I put so much pressure on my art, like my podcast, in hopes that one day it pays off, and that kills the passion and the fun of it. And then three months later, I’m in the same position, and I fall back into my pit of despair.
So this month, I realised my North Star, or my calling, is telling me I really just want to go and travel, but I feel like I have to accomplish A before I can achieve B. That is, I have to have myself set up with a house and an unconventional job before I can go and do that. And what I’ve realised this week is that I can remove the A. The truth is, I give up. I give up on trying to buy a house. I give up on trying to get on the DSP. I give up on trying to thrive in Australia. I give up on climbing the tree. And I feel so fucking free. Really, what I’ve given up on is Australia. I feel like I’m in an abusive relationship with my country, and so I’m leaving. I honestly don’t see myself settling down in Australia, or if I do, I don’t see myself coming back to Victoria. I just don’t belong here, and I feel like my country is killing me.
Making this decision has meant overcoming a lot of fears around security, as outlined. It’s really scary to think I’ll be letting go of my rental because it took me like six months to find a good house since the housing market is fucked. It’s scary to think I won’t have the security of a house for most of my adult life, but the truth is one day I’ll receive an inheritance from my parents, and I can use that to buy a house. I don’t really care if I have to wait 30 years for that. The fewer restrictions, the better. These are all the beliefs I am questioning now, which have been the foundations of my life.
I can’t offer the solution to the whole economy on this episode but I can throw out ideas. I think we need to let go of the rigid views we have around money, this need to stockpile money out of fear and scarcity mindset. I’m trying to have a more fluid view around money, which is that I don’t need a home base. I trust that I’ll be okay wherever like takes me and that means trusting in life and where it wants to take me. It means not desiring to buy a home. It means trusting that if I spend money, it will always come back around to me. I consider myself to be very smart with money and I will be smart about my travel plans, and I haven’t given up on making a fortune one day. I’m just trying a different direction. My plan is to save as much as I can before I go and I will try to set up three potential sources - I plan to teach myself web development, start another bitcoin project and a new business with my best friend. In Australia this money wouldnt change my situation at all but overseas it’s enough to travel. I plan on having multiple streams of income so i will have some element of safety, but my idea of safety now is building a canoe so I can travel down the river instead of a house that I’m building on the bank.
And so this is where I’m at. If you’ve read to all five episodes of this chapter then you’ll know how contemplating the higher self led to me breaking up with Australia. By getting clear about what direction my heart is telling me to go in I’ve been force to confront some fundamental fears thave have acted as road blocks to that. In order to do all of this I have had to have some pretty significant faith that things will work out, but I feel like thats the whole theme of the journey. And so to end I am going to finish with a quote that I wrote about following your heart.
"Following your heart is like searching for the path in the darkness. If you trust enough to dance, each step will appear beneath your feet before you land. But without trust, you will be forced to poke your foot in each direction until you find the next step. You very well may find the path this way; but the path will never teach you how to dance."
Resources
Transcript
.txt file
Quotes
“Everybody is a genius, but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.” - Unknown
"Following your heart is like searching for the path in the darkness. If you trust enough to dance, each step will appear beneath your feet before you land. But without trust, you will be forced to poke your foot in each direction until you find the next step. You very well may find the path this way; but the path will never teach you how to dance." - mew
Journal Paper by Rachael Thompson
Thompson, R. (2022). The National Disability Insurance Scheme review process: weaknesses and opportunities to enhance the CRPD. Australian Journal of Human Rights, 28(2–3), 266–285. https://doi.org/10.1080/1323238X.2022.2139882